Negotiating Departure

I leave Kumaon in less than ten days and I find myself with all of sorts of mixed feelings. No doubt, the future is exciting. The end of this month will bring about our last Indicorps workshop, and the opportunity to make sense of this year from the lenses of my comrades who have similarly been working with grassroots organizations across India. The chance to travel to other corners of this country that I have never seen before, now with a more rooted understanding of India. And to apply new learnings, every step of the way, including at the shock that will be returning back to the US in the not so far off future. But in these last days in Kumaon, I am torn in more than one way. It’s partly about leaving a place, this place, which has been the setting of an experience that has been absolutely unique in my life. An experience that has been tough, demanding, and invaluable.

It’s sort of strange, this last month – going to meetings in villages for the last time. Meeting people I have been working with for the better part of the last year and not knowing when we will meet next. Hearing their words of thanks, their questions about my return, and their half-joking demands that I stay. The amount I have walked, all of the cuts I have traversed, and how these villages have become familiar. The families I have lived with in Janjer and Simayal, feeling like I have a home there. And certain people I have worked with both in communities and the NGO, whom I have shared so much with. I have learned from, been enriched by, all of these people and different experiences. And whether they know it or not, they have watched me grow as well. Leaving is not something I feel sad about; I just don’t know what it actually means and how it should feel.

I’m also torn about the work. After one year, I realize that in some ways a year is not very much at all, yet I still feel some sense of achievement about what has been done in building the capacity of Gram Panchayats, and communities, to effectively organize on public and preventive health issues. I have learned many lessons about rural development and grown in the process. At the same time, even at this point, there is still bullshit to deal with and egos to manage. Wasted time and energies to battle that push me towards the infuriating brink of serious frustration. I am leaving in less than ten days, and while I feel that there is much potential in the work I have been doing and the project I have been working on, I feel torn on how to leave it. The uncertainty of not knowing what have I actually done, what has the impact been, at times brings an intense, burning sensation up from my gut into my chest. Not knowing what affect at all my efforts will have, not knowing what the hell I have just done, are hard thoughts to negotiate. And then just simply moving on from it all, it doesn’t all add up right. But maybe it’s sort of like one of those things you can’t really see cause you’re in the middle of it, and maybe that’s something perspective will bring.

And so it’s all a bit kind of strange. Up until now I’ve never had such a hard time saying goodbye, but maybe it’s because it doesn’t all make sense just yet. While I am ready for the next steps in my life, this past one is a huge one to digest. But in a way it’s just yet another new circumstance this year has unapologetically thrown me into. Just as arriving here was such a new experience, leaving has become one as well. The terms I leave Kumaon on, are only one part of what this has year has actually meant, and the rest may just depend on my own mindset.